Nobody Blogs Anymore

No one blogs anymore. Whether this is due to the emotional growth of my social group (specifically that most of the people I associate with are less desperate for attention these days - or at least hide it better -), or  just a product of the coming and passing of social trends, I don't know. But I guess it's kind of a weird realization for me, that no one blogs anymore. Blogging used to be such an important part of everyone's days. What someone else wrote about you, or your friends... the fights or dates or conversations that would ensue as a result...  It all seemed so IMPORTANT to everyone. And now, well, I doubt anyone will even take the time to read this. I think that all of this is some kind of really deep metaphor for growth or social maturity or something... but I don't really have the motivation to think it out and write it down in a more eloquent way.
The poorly written blogging metaphor aside, I really have learned a lot from my 9th grade year. It wasn't a particularly great year, necessarily, but it was a very enlightening year. I learned a lot. I also did a lot of stupid stuff and reaped the stupid consequences. I made mistakes, that I don't really regret looking back, and I met people that taught me things I never thought I would learn about myself. Two major lessons:

• Life is like a 2k, in crew. Each stroke has to be harder than the last. Every second. Every breath. Every thought. Counts. The very moment you believe you will fail, you are over. Every movement has to be deliberate, and made with faith in yourself. Or you will fail. and when you hit that mental wall. when you're so exhausted you can't think, feel, or breathe. When you feel that sweat dripping down your back. You know you're on the road that leads to success.

• Let go. 

Goodnight. 

Hi. Whats up? Not much, you? Not much.

Hello, Kenzy, Bridget, Anna, and my mom. (the people that actually still read this) I'm just going to rant a little here.

Dear teenagers,
If you don't want to talk to someone, simply say "I can't talk right now" or even "I really don't feel like texting you right now." Instead, of just disintegrating into the great nothingness, never again to respond to a text message. Also, feel free to allow a person to complete their sentence before you interject with some stupid remark that in no way even remotely adds to the value of what's being spoken about. And finally, don't complain that someone doesn't talk to you, and then proceed to be a douchewagon when they actually do. This is the 21st century. We have civilized communication here.
                          Sincerely,
                          people with social skills.

Dear Choir Director,
No really. You don't need to bow after every poorly chosen, barely sung song we somehow manage to squeak out on stage. One moment of embarrassment where a third of the choir weakly half-bows is more than enough.
                      Sincerely,
                      Central Singers

Dear Carbs,
Get. In. My. Mouth. Now. All the pie in the world needs to be in my stomach right now. Pie, and PIZZA. Oh my sweet jesus lord, PIZZA. *death*
                        Sincerely,
                        Pizza is my boyfriend

11:11, Also the return of the people guessing game.

I'm just completely melancholy right now. I don't know if its because it's Sunday, or because I'm tired, or because I'm confused, or because this is such a freaking run-on sentence, but I am totally melancholy. You know what I haven't done in a really really long time? My stupid people guessing game with all of the really predictable passive aggressive statements. And because I'm bored, I think I will.

1.) You're fantastic. Seriously. And no matter how many times you say you're not, you will always be fantastic. So deal with it. Also, if at some point in your very busy sports-filled schedule you could squeeze in some time for little ol' me, that would be great. (:

2.) We aren't going to have any classes together anymore. I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive school. And who will you mooch off of?! D: Anyway. Austin Carlile and Pizza Parties Forevah. :3

3.) Stop being so incredibly amazing in every imaginable fashion. Please. Also, come over, because I miss you so much it hurts. Okay? You can even stand awkwardly in the corner, and stroke my Charlie Sheen sticker, and try to make me uncomfortable. I don't care. Just come over my house. <3

Anger Management.

It's human nature to want just exactly what we do not have. Sometimes we can control it. Dying our hair, Getting married, Moving away, ect. However, there are some things that one can not expect to ever attain. And those are things that my mind and heart like to set themselves upon. If I can not have something, I am automatically attracted to it. So, no matter the personal sacrifice, I put forth all the effort necessary to have that thing. Well, that or I just keep trying until I am so exhausted that I am no longer capable of trying. I hate that about my head.
          On a lighter note, I've been playing music A LOT. ( no pun intended ) It's honestly the only way I keep from going absolutely insane. If I go one day without writing I feel like someone who didn't take their meds. No. A better analogy would probably be someone who forgot to breathe. Or sleep.
        Speaking of which, I haven't been sleeping. Mostly because it seems that night is the only time when I'm left alone long enough to get some peace and quiet.

Adam Sandler.

I'm watching Peter Pan.

I do not believe there is a teenage relationship that is not tainted by manipulation, jealousy, and/or sexual tension. We are at a time in our lives where every emotion, belief, and desire is at its strongest. The things we want are - in the words of Ms.Monroe - "too strong and too pleasing" to be ignored. We want to be loved, or accepted, or perfect. Even if subconsciously, our actions are shaped by those things. In my own life I have atleast one example of every stereotypical relationship; That girl who you can't help but love whether you want to or not. That guy who's in love with you and you wish you could love back. That friend you flirt with because you're close enough to not care. The best friend who may piss you off but will always be there. That past love that you miss when you feel lonely. And that one seemingly perfect guy who will never get that you just want to kiss him everytime he talks to you.
     Every relationship in my life has been riddled with both pain and indescribable bliss. People have failed me. That's true. However, I haven't given up on friendship, or family, or even love. Perhaps I should, but I don't think I ever will. No relationship is perfect. No romance is perfect. No person is perfect. I'm not going to kiss the boy I like midnight, or have the same best friend forever, or be accepted by every member of my family. But, in the end, I've loved and been loved by some absolutely amazing people. I've known happiness and pain. And though my prince may never come, I will never be alone.

If you're so clever...  Why are you on your own tonight?

If you're so very entertaining... Then why are you on our own tonight?

If you're so very good-looking... Then why do you sleep alone tonight?

Item 1.)
What is this constant need people have for attention? Honestly... I do not understand it. I know that everyone likes to be recognized, myself included. However, this insatiable need for attention - from anyone and everyone - that I seem to find in the majority of people in my age group truly confuses me. The idea of people talking about me makes me vastly uncomfortable. Yes, I want recognition. We all do. But I want to be recognized for doing something amazing, for creating something beautiful... Not for some ridiculous teenage scandal. I know that I will occasionally be spoken about for who I've loved, or hated, the things I've worn, and so on, but I'd like to think that when the day is done I will be remembered by the music I've made, and by my character.

Item 2.)
I heard a delicious quote today from a babbling blonde girl in my study hall as she was giggling at her project on Socrates. "True knowledge exists in knowing you know nothing." That's EXACTLY how I feel. I have no clue. About life and death, love and hate, pain and happiness. I have no control. I have to except that. You see, I'm a complete control freak. It is only when I sit back and tell myself that the control is out of my hands and there is nothing I can do, that I can begin to soothe my aching need to control EVERYTHING. It's only when I realize that I really have little to no effect on the way the world I live in changes around me, that I can fully take control of myself.

Item 3.)
I've been writing music constantly. It's like all I want to do all the time. And honestly, It's coming out pretty well. Maybe I'll post some lyrics up here... Hmm.

Piano. Guitar. Arnold Palmer. Homework. Tumblr. Tea. Rinse, and repeat.

       Why do we bother becoming emotionally invested in people? People fail us. In fact, I constantly fail people - The people who need me most. I forget them when they're in their time of trouble. I allow my friendships to fall from the glorious enthusiasm of their youth, to the climatic and dusty gutter of under appreciation. I forget that I need people. Because - as much as I hate it - People are better than no people. However, if I am constantly (yet unintentionally) failing others, why should I expect any different from them? I shouldn't. I know that. And it is a fact of which I am always reminding myself. Yet, when I'm scared or lonely or afraid, I find myself thinking that maybe someone owes me something. That maybe I will not be forgotten, that maybe. Just maybe. I am wanted as much as I am needed. 

I am going to humor Bridget now:

1.) That awkward moment when, I don't understand one of Bridget's "awkward moment whens" and I'm her best friend.

2.) That awkward moment when, my dad got in a fist fight with my gym teacher in 1986.

3.) That awkward moment when,  people try to talk to me and my head is just going "Piano. Guitar. Arnold Palmer. Homework. Tumblr. Tea. Rinse, and repeat."